The events that occurred on February 20th 2003 changed many of our lives permanently. It is weird looking back now, what your brain remembers when you go through such an incredible shock. Nausea, loss of memory, appetite, sleep, understanding are only some of the many symptoms that occur in bereavement. There are some things that I remember like they were yesterday, others are only coming to me now and a few things I cannot remember at all. What follows is a SHORT review of the days surrounding February 20th 2003.
Wednesday February 19th 2003 – the last time any of us laughed without weight or caveat
This was just any normal day. I spoke with mum during the day as well as Debs just to check in and make sure they were both fine. Mum was going to Portugal the next morning with Wal and was having her hair done that evening by Sarah. Stan and She She were coming over as well. I remember being in the kitchen that evening watching Sarah clear up and having mum jumping up and down in front of me with the biggest smile on her face as she was so happy. Mainly because she was with Wal and that everything seemed to be working out with all aspects of her life. She was so happy and excited, she was screaming with happiness. That evening Debs was at the gym. I went out to get KFC for everyone. I remember Stan, She She and Phil being there with Mum and I and Debs, all eating chicken. Debbie would only eat the drumsticks. We had such a laugh. That night, Debbie and mum had an argument about mum getting to the airport the next morning. Debbie stormed out of the house and returned later but everyone was in bed. Debs had been to visit Dad’s grave.
Thursday February 20th 2003 – the longest day of my life
Mum and Wal were already in Portugal when I woke up. Shortly after waking I got a call from Mel who said I had to get to the hospital as quickly as possible as Debbie had been in a car accident and it was serious. By the tone and the wobble of her voice I knew it was very serious.
I can remember pulling into Wycombe Hospital’s car park and all I could see were two or three police cars still parked up outside Accident and Emergency. After finding a car parking space, I got out the car and started walking to the door. I saw Sheila and Mel standing outside. As I approached them, all I said was “tell me those [pointing to the police cars] are not here for Debbie”. As I turned the corner from A&E reception all I could see were police officers filling the corridor. Actually there were only about half a dozen but it seemed like more at the time. I was shown into a little room where Stan was sitting with a consultant and another police officer. Immediately all I wanted to do was see Debs but they wouldn’t let me. Instead, I had to give the police some details. What seemed like forever passed and I was still not able to see Debs and then a consultant came into the room and asked me to sit down. She broke the news to me that my sister was dead. I heard a scream that I guess came from either Sheila or Mel. The consultant told me that whilst she was technically alive on reaching the operating theatre there were simply too many injuries of a serious nature. They could not have done anything. She told me that I could see Debs in a few minutes after she had been “cleaned” up and moved to recovery. My body was numb, my mind racing, “I have to tell mum”, “did mum and Debs make up before mum left for the airport”, “how was I going to be able to tell mum that her daughter, my sister, was dead”.
Finally I was asked to accompany the consultant to the recovery ward to see Debs. It was the longest walk of my life. It seemed like we went down the longest corridors in history. Passing people like they were statues. I had a buzzing in my ears, I couldn’t hear anything. The lights seemed so bright around me, so much so I had to squint. It seemed all I could see was the consultant’s shoes I was following. Finally we went through a door and I was faced with about four nurses looking at me. I was shown to a curtain and told that Debbie was behind it.
Remembering that I was the sort of person that was so controlling over his emotions, feelings and thoughts I told myself that this would be okay. After all, I had seen my dad lying dead in his bed the morning he died of a heart rupture.
However I was being very naive. Never before that moment had I experienced such a loss of control as I did the instant I walked around the curtain and saw Debs lying there. If it weren’t for the chair and table that Debs was lying on I would have collapsed. Instead, on seeing her lying there in what seemed like a re-run of seeing my dad for the first time lying in his bed, I fell to my knees and grabbed hold of the chair.
Over what seemed like hours I stood up, reminded myself to breath, spoke to Debs, felt sick, held her, kissed her, touched her, looked away, shouted, cried, talked, screamed. All the while, the nurses were watching me and asking if there was anything they could do. Never to this day, have I forgotten the moment I walked around the corner and saw my sister lying there – dead. I was the last person to see her still looking fairly life like, still fairly warm, still a person. The next time I or anyone else would see her she would be gone. She would be somewhere else, someone else.
The sight of Debs lying there haunts me in dreams or rather nightmares. They had not done a particularly good job of cleaning her up as there was still blood everywhere, dried by that time. There was still a tube in her mouth and I was told that there was to be an autopsy and as a result they were not allowed by law to remove the tube. Something ridiculous about proving it was not inserted incorrectly and therefore that was the cause of death. Are you kidding?!
Going back to what I said about how strange it is what your brain remembers, or rather allows you to remember about shocking events. I remember holding her hand and chuckling as one of her nails was chipped, I remember her hair not being tidy, I remember seeing freckles on her face and ear that I had not seen before, I remember needing to ask a million things I had not asked before that moment, I remember being consumed with such an overwhelming flood of emotions, thoughts, feelings it spun me into confusion. I started going dizzy, feeling faint, my vision was blurred and I couldn’t hear anything. I put my head between my knees for a while and just concentrated on breathing slowly. It felt like I blacked out because the next thing I remember I was raising my head and thinking to myself, it was a nightmare, I am not in the hospital, Debbie is not lying there. Then I opened my eyes……..
I was asked to return to the waiting room and answer some questions. The only question on my mind was how I was going to tell mum. After talking to the police and Stan and Sheila it was decided that I would not tell mum Debs was dead simply she had been in an accident. Shortly after this Iain arrived at the hospital. I sat him down and told him that Debs was dead. But by the look on his face he already knew.
We were frantically trying to find out Wal’s mobile number. The police rang his golf club who gave the number of a mate, who in turn gave another number. Eventually we got the number and the police made the call. They spoke to Wal and arranged with him for mum to call me. Over the next few seconds I began to shake uncontrollably. I couldn’t speak so I practised what I was going to say by speaking out loud to one of the officers. My phone rang and it was mum, frantic, worried. I will never forget the next few minutes. I was standing outside in the car park, it was cold and there were lots of people coming and going. Iain and Mel were outside. I walked a little bit and then had to do one of the hardest things ever in my life – lie to mum. Even though I knew Debs was dead, I told mum that Debs had been in a car accident and had been operated on. I told her that I had seen Debs and she was fine. Mum asked me to go to Debs, hold her hand and whisper in her ear that “mummy is coming, mummy loves you”. I couldn’t wait to get off the phone, as soon as I did I just broke down. I went back inside and the coroner wanted a word. I had to formally identify Debbie. When was this going to end? When could I just wake up from this nightmare? Geraldine (the coroner) came over to me and asked me to accompany her to the Chapel of Rest. This was another walk that seemed to take forever. Instead of going up, we went down. We went down this set of stairs I shall never forget, they felt so narrow. Too narrow for even two people to climb them side by side. Geraldine stopped me and asked me if I knew what to expect, I told her I had seen my dad dead and I had already seen Debs lying in recovery. We walked through the door and the first thing to hit me was the smell. Do all Chapels and Funeral Directors smell like this? The ones I had been in sure did! Debbie looked better in some way compared to when I saw her in recovery. The blood was gone, but so was all the colour from her face and neck. The tube was still inserted. She had a sheet covering her so all you could see was her head, neck and shoulders. I moved the sheet and held her hand. Geraldine turned to me and asked “Craig, this is your sister?”, I replied “Yes”. I wish I could have said no, you have the wrong person. Geraldine left the room and allowed me stay in there on my own. A while later she came back into the room and asked if it would be okay if she went and got the others as they wanted to see Debs.
The next few hours were irrelevant to me. The others came in the room and left the room. We went back upstairs to the little waiting room. I had a couple more phone calls from mum, each one I had to lie, each one I had to say Debs was okay.
Finally we agreed to go home as there was nothing more we could do. The first flight that mum was able to get from Portugal was coming into Heathrow at about 9pm. I couldn’t imagine what mum must have been going through after having heard the news and then having to wait all that time.
In the event of something like this you are assigned two Police Liaison Officers. Our two were Nicki and Barry. Two people who would play a huge and irreplaceable part in our lives for ever more. They agreed to collect me later that night to go and fetch mum. They would be able to park right outside the terminal and could get us where we needed to go.
Back at the house, we hit the bar. Stan, Sheila, Mel, Iain, Phil and I think Robin, Mel’s dad. We must have gone through a bottle of vodka and of gin. Its funny, you know that drinking is not the answer but somehow it does help. We just sat there in silence for most of the time. So many questions going over in our heads, “did mum and Debs make up before mum left this morning?”, “why Debs?”, “why a moped?”, “why us?”. It was horrible.
I remember the time passing quite quickly and before I knew it, Nicki and Barry arrived at the house. Sheila was coming with me and we planned what we were going to do. Basically I just wanted to get mum into the car as quickly as possible before I told her that Debs was dead. Standing there waiting for mum to walk through the arrivals gate was another painful moment. I kept saying to Sheila, “hold it together. Don’t cry when you see mum, she cant know”. When mum finally walked through the gate, if I could have picked her up I would have done, instead I frog marched her into the back of the police car where she said to me “she’s dead isn’t she?”. I just said “yeah ma, she’s dead”. Listen to me…… I was telling my mum that my sister was dead. Even now, when I think about that sentence, it just doesn’t seem real.
Sheila then got in the car as well and there was a sudden sense of calm. It was the strangest moment. Mum even spoke in a normal, non-wobbly voice to Nicki who was driving our car and thanked her for everything she had done. Wal was in the other car with Barry and the bags.
We drove directly to the hospital where I had previously arranged to see Debs again. I knew mum would want to go straight there.
There is so much more I could write but its too hard. Since these awful days we have had many many laughs (a lot were alcohol induced). We have shared some lovely moments that we know Debs would have definitely been with us for. This journey, and it does feel like a journey, whilst only just beginning has without a doubt been helped by those of you have been around sharing in these moments of happiness.
It does prove that even the longest, loneliest, darkest, coldest night has a dawning day. Even if that day is a short one maybe only made up of a few minutes.
You are now able to add your own thoughts and memories to the website on the “Memories Board”. Please do this as mum and I really want to know all about you and your relationship with our Debs. What special piece of Debs will carry around with you for the rest of your life?
Debbie Ing Memorial Fund 